The Ultimate Mary Sue
by Millikov
Summary: A fanfic challenge from my friend: to write the ultimate Mary Sue, but with a very weird and completely unexpected and ridiculous ending. So i did. in about 30 minutes. *typos edited*


Disclaimer: Nothing here is mine, not even the Mary Sue. She belongs to all the Mary Sue writers out there. 

Took up a fanfic challenge from my friend, as need for me to take a break from writing my very secret diaries.

The challenge: to write the ultimate Mary Sue, but with a very weird and completely unexpected and ridiculous ending. The Ultimate Mary Sue 

One day, Mary Sue was eating cheese sticks when she suddenly fell into middle-earth with a plop. Because what she didn't know, was that these were magical cheese sticks forged by Sauron the Dark Lord.  So she fell into Rivendell. And of course comes face to face with Lord Elrond, the poor lamb, right smack in the middle of the Council of Elrond.

Before I launch into the story, let me first remind you of the exquisite beauty of Mary-Sue. Mary Sue's beautiful, golden-coloured hair is extremely long and flowing, all nice and shiny and sleek and smooth and silky, the kind that you only find in shampoo advertisements where those models toss their hair right smack in your face, the kind where you just know that it takes hours to maintain, but for Mary Sue, she being a Mary Sue, beautiful hair just came naturally. Did I mention that her hair was beautiful? Onto the eyes. One of Mary-Sue's eyes is violet and the other green. Like mood rings, they change colour as and when they feel like changing colour. Mary Sue is of course extremely beautifully beautiful, more beautiful than Arwen, Galadriel and Luthien Tinuviel put together. She is also tall and impossibly slim, with a body to die for, complete with creamy and luscious skin.

So Mary Sue lands rather gracefully in the middle of the council of Elrond, right in front of Elrond. But Elrond, either too stunned by her gorgeous visage or just plain shocked that somebody magically fell from the sky and landed, ever so coincidentally, in Rivendell, during his oh-so-secret council, clutching cheese sticks. Enter Legolas. He immediately rushes over to Mary Sue and helps her up oh-so chivalrously. That's when he catches sight of her amazingly perfect face with its multicolored eyes, and Boom! He falls in love with her. Actually, it's lust, and the overwhelming desire to shag her right there and then, but this is a _Mary Sue, _mind you, so we will pretend to be the world's biggest eejits and be fooled into thinking that it is love. So remember. Love. Not lust. Love.

Legolas addresses her as "fair lady", and fusses over her, trying to get a feel, under the guise of checking for injuries, not the least bit surprised that this cheap tart…er…eligible shag-mate…I mean…fine looking 16 year old has magically appeared in Rivendell. And everybody automatically likes her because this is a Mary Sue, and in Mary Sue's, everybody likes the Mary Sue to bits. Except for Legolas, who is supposedly head over heels in LOVE (note: lust lust lust) with her. And we tactfully (or rather, blindly) ignore the fact that Legolas is desperately trying to prevent himself from shagging her right there and then, because if he did, his daddy would confiscate his favourite pink parasol and bottle of Sauron's Secret Strawberry bath foam, both of which are essential in making him the prettiest elf in Middle Earth (or so he thinks). Frodo goes-

"What is your name, fair maiden?"

She replies in an absolutely stunning voice, which is more beautiful than the voices of Celine Dion, Sarah Brightman, Lea Salonga, Barbara Streisand, Charlotte Church and every other bloody fantastic female singer in the world put together-

"My name is Vordolwen."

Which according to the name generator thingy at Barrows Down, is elvish for Mary Sue (note: and apparently, Mary Sue means pointy-eared ranger. Right). 

Elrond manages to get everyone to stop ogling at Mary Sue/Vordolwen, and those nine who are named the Fellowship of the Ring, Aragorn, Legolas, Pippin, Merry, Frodo, Sam, Boromir, Dumbledore the Neon Pink (Mary Sue, thus author can't tell difference between Dumbledore and Gandalf) and Gimli, bravely volunteer to take the ring to Mordor, although Frodo does not know the way. Here's the most incredulous part-by some bizarre and clichéd twist of fate, Elrond insists that Vordolwen must go to. (Here we wonder: Why Valar, oh WHY did you to this to the poor fellowship? And where are her cheese sticks?). So Vordolwen agrees rather hesitantly, though we all know that she is DYING to go, just so that she can ogle at Legolas and hopefully be his permanent shag-mate. But of course, we are again reminded that this is a MARY SUE, and are blind to that fact, believing that she is simply modest. Here we wonder if Elrond can actually count, because he said, and I quote from the book itself-"The Company shall be nine; and the Nine Walkers shall be set against the Nine Riders that are evil." But here that are TEN. 10. Ten. Then again, Vordolwen could be considered more of a Nancer (nancing, nancer, get it?) than a Walker, and this is a Mary Sue, so Lord Elrond has morphed into an old and senile prickhead. Vordolwen then proceeds to go for a crash course in fighting, with her instructor, of course, being Legolas. She immediately becomes an expert in swordsmanship, archery and martial arts, although we note that there is no mention by Master Tolkein whatsoever of martial arts in Middle Earth (note: alliteration. Well, sort of). How did she manage to instantaneously gain a whole lifetime of combat skills? Simple. During summer camp, Vordolwen had most coincidentally signed up for archery, fencing and martial arts. As expected, she topped he class, gaining black belts and what have you in one bloody lesson. (Note: now we manage a very fake and saturated with sarcasm-) Wow! Gasp! That's bloody amazing!

Before the Fellowship sets off, Vordolwen is mysteriously joined by an owl called Hedwig, a cat called Crookshanks, a fox called White Paws, and a white tiger called Silver Mist, all very clichéd, overused, unoriginal names. Vordolwen is able to communicate with them telepathically. At this point of the story, we are also dumbfounded. Since when did white tigers roam Middle-Earth?

Now, because Mary Sues are all fluff and no plot, fast-forward to Mines of Moria, where it is Vordolwen who manages to open the Doors of Durin, which the author will foolishly call the Pearly Gates of Gimli, because this is a Mary Sue, and the author is thus a no-brained ignoramus. How does Vordolwen open the door? Well, she picks up White Paws and swings him up into the air by the tail, muttering a strange chant, which comes out more like a sonatina, because her voice is exquisitely melodious. And her chanting sounds oddly like the phrase "alohomora" repeated again and again. 

If the reader is curious to know what happened in post Rivendell and pre Mines of Moria, it was just lovey-dovey, airy-faerie pink cotton candy fluff between Legolas and dear Vordolwen. In other words, snog snog snog, I love you, then snog some more.

In the Mines of Moria, they all fight the evil bad guys and Legolas and Vordolwen, because they are so madly in "love", compliment each other's moves perfectly, to the point where all the other Companions go "ooooooh" in wonder. Small note- Vordolwen is also a spitfire, but because the word characterization does not exist in a Mary Sue, Vordolwen just suddenly becomes a spitfire, Valar knows why.  So Dumbledore the Neon Pink falls into shadow, they all cry and Legolas uses that as an opportune time to snog and fondle the demure spitfire, Vordolwen.

Lothlorien. Haldir comes on to Vordolwen, but she has only eyes for Legolas. All of a sudden, Boromir also realizes he has feelings for Vordolwen. Boromir now turns evil and plots to steal Vordolwen away from Legolas. He tries to rape her as she struggles helplessly, quite forgetting that she is supposed to be an expert in combat. Legolas rescues her.  Vordolwen cries, snogs Legolas some more, and it is here that we have hardcore, nc-17, x-rated smut. (This part the author cannot bring herself to write, as she is already extremely disgusted with the story.) But if the reader had gotten a real Mary Sue writer, not even the Valar could save you. Following that is a "Lets go to Broadway!" moment as Vordolwen and Legolas sing and sing and sing some more, her sounding like Celine Dion, Sarah Brightman, Lea Salonga, Barbara Streisand, Charlotte Church and every other bloody fantastic female singer in the world put together, him sounding like Michael Ball, Josh Groban, Ronan Keating, Luciano Pavarotti and every other bloody fantastic male singer in the world put together. (Note: The author does not like Ronan Keating, but she had not much to choose from). And because this is a Mary Sue, meaning that the author cannot write poetry to save her life, their song is something like this-

I Love You

I Love You

I Really Love Youuuuuuu

It's too good to be true

And our hearts will fly

Into the sky

Because I Love Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!

Either that or a rip-off of a Britney Spears song. Oh the horror! (Note: Can you imagine Legolas singing "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman!")

Haldir sees them and runs of crying into his lacy, pale pink and purple hanky, but because he is chivalrous and brave and gallant and what have you, backs off.

After leaving Lothlorien, Legolas is killed by orcs, and dies after a long farewell speech, along the lines of "Vordolwen, my love, I love you, I really love you, you are my life I cannot live without you, be brave my dear love, because I love you more than life itself. Did I mention that I love you?"

They proceed to sing the "I Love You" song about 50 times, before Legolas passes into eternity. Vordolwen cries and cries and cries, enough tears to flood the whole of Middle-Earth, but strangely enough, that does not happen. Legolas's eyelids flutter open. He is alive! Gasp! Vordolwen's tears revived him! Vordolwen and Legolas sing the "I Love you" song 1237 times before they go kissy kissy snog snog. (Note: Whatever happened to Boromir? Not to mention the long-standing question-where in Middle-Earth are Vordolwen's cheese sticks?)

Fast-Forward to after the ring is destroyed. Legolas's daddy will not allow him to marry Vordolwen, because he is a mean old man. This is a Mary Sue and thus the author will not know Legolas's daddy's name or where he lives because she only watched to movie and did not read the books. So Legolas's daddy will be called Hoombaroombaladeeda, and Legolas's birthplace will be called Rivenlorien. Here we note that not only are Vordolwen's cheese sticks missing, but also her magical animals.

Thus, because King Hoombaroombaladeeda of Rivenlorien refuses to let them wed, it's cry and snog and shag and cry and snog and shag all over again. When suddenly Erwon (This is a Mary Sue and thus the author will not know how to spell Arwen) discovers that Gasp! Vordolwen is actually a half elf whose daddy was Kelebeletornian, Lord of Lothlorien (again, Mary Sue, so author is too idiotic to know that Galadriel's hubby's name is Celeborn)!  So they can marry! Oh joy! So Legolas and Vordolwen sing the "I love you" song again, not wondering the least bit how come, if Vordolwen came from another world, her daddy can be Kelebeletornian, Elf Lord of Lothlorien. Strangely enough, nobody is bothered at all by the fact that Lord Kelebeletornian fostered a bastard daughter either. Not even Galadriel.

Wedding Day. Legolas is oh so pretty…um...handsome in his best pair of pink tights, and Vordolwen oh so beautifully gorgeous in her oh so beautifully gorgeous dress.

Priest/ daddy Hoombaroombaladeeda: I now pronounce you elf and wi-

Vordolwen suddenly turns in to-

Legolas: Sauron? Wha-how-what did you do to my love Vordolwen!

Sauron/ Vordolwen: Oh that. Well, see, Leggy-poo, my luscious little lembas, I always fancied you, so I turned myself into a Mary Sue called Vordolwen, knowing full well that I would end up with you, because this is a MARY SUE, and Mary Sue always gets her man.

Legolas (melodramatically): I will never marry you! Give me back my love Vordolwen!

Sauron: You effeminate little nancer, I AM Vordolwen! MUAHAHA!  
Legolas: Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!! Get away from me, evil bad guy!

Sauron: Suit yourself. I don't need you anyway. I must admit, after I went on this whole fellowship thing, I've begun taking a liking to Gimli here.

Gimli (flattered): Really?

Sauron: Yes, Gimli-pie, my divinely delectable little dwarf.

Gimli: Oh Sauronkins!

Sauron: Oh Gimli Honey!

Gimli: Oh Sauron-poo!

Sauron: Oh Gimli-Wimli!

Sauron and Gimli nance off into the sunset together, and live happily ever after.

                                                                                THE END

P.S Excuse any grammatical/vocab/spelling mistakes there may be here. Apologies to any Mary Sue writers. My writing this piece of fiction does not indicate that I automatically stereotype every single Mary Sue. I'm sure that there are well-written ones out there, though I haven't encountered one yet. I just enjoy poking fun at them the same way I poke fun at the LotR characters in my secret diaries fic, although I adore LotR. It's simply a fun thing to do. Nothing personal. I re-uploaded this cause I didn't bother to proofread the first draft, so it was riddled with typos and the like. My English isn't third world terrible, so the obvious thing to do would be to correct the typos. Yes, in case you're wondering, I will be writing a sequel sometime (thanks to Salad the Deceiver for that idea. Go you!). ****


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